Mustache Of The Week Hall Of FameName: Ned Flanders
Hens Love Roosters, Ned was raised in New York City by two beatniks. His parent’s refusal to discipline him and their all-around terrible parenting skills made him a childhood terror. He was eventually consigned to an experimental eight-month spanking therapy program — the University of Minnesota Spankological Protocol — which taught him to repress entirely any and all feelings of anger. Ned has the odd habit of attaching "diddly", "doodly" and other nonsensical phrases to his sentences — "Hi-diddly-ho, neighbor-ino", for example. This is the result of sublimated anger caused by his upbringing. Ned's true age cannot be determined, although he explicitly stated that he was 60, and thus a senior citizen, in the season 10 episode “Viva Ned Flanders”; this came after conflicting revelations in a number of previous episodes. However, in “Much Apu About Nothing”, he alleged that he has lived on Evergreen Terrace for over forty years. In the episode “The Mansion Family”, during the "Springfield Pride Awards", an award is handed out honouring Springfield's oldest citizen. In order to establish who this citizen is, Kent Brockman asks all those who are over 60 to stand up, and in the background Ned Flanders can be seen rising from his chair. Despite an outward appearance of exceeding meekness, Ned hides an exceptionally well-built physique under his pink shirt and green sweater combination. He claims his deceptively youthful appearance is due to his conformity to the 'Three C's': "clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of vitamin Church!" Both Ned and his family rarely if ever refer to his moustache as such, preferring nicknames such as "Nose Neighbor", "Mr. Tickles", "The Soup Strainer", "The Pushbroom", and "Dr. Fuzzenstein". He once shaved it off, after being mocked by Homer, but then apparently chose to grow it back — despite the fact that the svelte Ned was hired to appear in a commercial. His extreme prudishness has made him very averse to saying the word "sex" aloud, even when there are no children in sight — he either spells it out or sheepishly calls it "doodily". Ned also uses the word "doodle" or "shrinky-dink" when referring to a penis. Ned is a graduate of Oral Roberts University, where he apparently belonged to a fraternity that supported cross-dressing (though perhaps it only did so as part of a hazing ritual). At some point before or after college, Ned met and married the
equally meek and religious Maude. They had two children together
— the ridiculously sheltered and naïve Rod and Todd.
Ned is a widower, following the freak t-shirt cannon accident that
claimed Maude's life in the episode “Alone Again, Natura-Diddily”.
Since Maude's death, Ned has been connected romantically with a
beautiful Christian-rock singer, Rachel Jordan, and a movie star,
Sara Sloane. |
